Missing the life of addiction
Yesterday I spent some time talking with a friend about my drug addiction. About how I went from bad to worse without even realizing it. About how I didn’t see myself spiraling out of control until it was too late. And how I was left to pick up the pieces of the life I had created for myself by myself.
We talked about why I chose to do drugs and why as much as I wanted to stop, I continued to choose drugs.
And then we talked about how sometimes, I secretly miss those days. I know most addicts in recovery will say they love that they got clean and are now living a life devoted to recovery, and although that is true for me, there are still days where I miss that life.
So, let’s talk about it.
I think it’s hard for people who used drugs to admit that to some extent they loved that life. And even If they do admit it, they don’t do it loudly. However, I can’t do anything quietly, and unfortunately the point of this blog is to scream my truth loud and proud for everyone who can’t.
With that being said, I miss the life I lived before. Not waking up sick, not chasing my next high, and not dancing for dope. But what I do miss sometimes is the not being worried about anything, I didn’t have children then so the only person I needed to worry about was me, and since I didn’t really care about myself or my well-being that left nothing to worry about…except drugs. I miss not having any responsibilities but myself. Sometimes being responsible is the hardest part of your recovery journey. I miss dancing, not the actual dancing part but the fast money that came with it. I miss the freedom of sleeping on the beach, and the freedom to do what I wanted when I wanted because there was no one that I needed to take care of.
Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom. I love taking care of my children, worrying about them, caring for them and devoting my life to being the best mom I can be for them. But sometimes, on the really stressful days, on the days where I feel like I am failing them, on the days where I feel like everything has piled so high on my shoulders that if I even think about sitting down, everything will crash down around me, on those days I miss being “free”. And that’s okay.
It is okay to miss the days when you felt you were on top of the world. It’s okay to miss the days where everything seemed easier to handle. It’s okay to miss the days you spent having fun instead of working hard just to provide for your children. Those days, as hard as they were at the time, seem easy to addicts in recovery.
When we look back at the days we were using, we don’t envision the times we were sick and needed to rob someone to get high, we don’t think about the times that we almost didn’t make it out alive. And so missing those days comes easy.
For me, missing those days reminds me of a time that I felt like I could tackle anything, I could handle whatever life wanted to throw at me. Whatever the universe felt like needed to be put in the middle of my road. For me, missing those days reminds me of a life I lived that although was carefree, it was also reckless and dangerous. A life I never want my kids to live or to experience. But most of all, it reminds me of how strong I am.
So, in the moments where I am missing that life, I remember how much stronger I am the current stress that I am living with, I am stronger than the responsibilities that I feel are weighing me down, and I am certainly strong enough to make it through any battle I have coming my way.
Because if I could fight my way out of addiction, I can certainly fight through the stresses I am dealing with today.
Even if that means I take some time missing a time in my life where I didn’t stress about anything.
