Healing from the past

It’s been so weird taking a step back and just relaxing these last two weeks. I thought I would at least try and get some blogs in, because sometimes writing is what I need to clear my head. But being away and just focusing on me was something I very much needed.

With that being said, I did a lot of thinking these last two weeks. Mostly about my life, my goals, and where I want to be in five years.

But one thing I spent a lot of time thinking about was living in the right now rather than the past and what that truly means for people.

So, let’s talk about it.

Throughout my journey of starting my blog and working on my book I’ve been told quite a few times I need to stop living in the past and start focusing on the future. This is the advice I get when people hear that I am writing a book about my life, because apparently me sharing my story means I’m living in the past.

The funny thing is, I feel like right now more than ever I am living in the today. However, this is only in one aspect of my life because truly, I do spend a lot of time living in the past, and for people with mental health issues, there are significant reasons why.

The most important one (I feel) however, is healing. Most people with a significant mental health history and a history of trauma live in the past trying to heal the parts of them that needing healing the most.

And my biggest issues with this stem from broken trust and what I like to call “fake safety”.

There isn’t a sole on this planet that I can say I trust wholeheartedly. There isn’t one person who I can confidently confide in, or someone who I know will protect me, love me and support me through everything. For most people, that person is a parent. I never got to have that relationship with my parents, and although I was “close” with my mom, there was no trust in her.

When I got married, I had this preconceived notion that I would find that in my husband. That trust and safety now was his job, and that I should have those things in him. And then that failed.

And then I met my current partner and thought in him I would find what I needed. And then he proved me wrong.

And all the while, I didn’t want to acknowledge that I will only find what I am looking for in healing the broken parts of me. Because all of what I feel like I NEED, I need it from myself.

I am a constant perpetrator of “bringing up the past” when my partner and I get into arguments, that’s his favorite things to say to me “oh so we’re bringing up the past again” and I know its something that really drives him crazy, but to me, none of the issues I bring up are the past because they are issues I still currently deal with today, things that he has done that make me feel a certain way that I just cant seem to move on from, a way he acts that triggers something that I am unable to move past or work through, an event that reminds me of something that was traumatic in my past with him or otherwise that I need o verbalize.

Unfortunately, he gets the worst parts of me and honestly sometimes I don’t even feel bad. Because for years I got the worst parts of him, and I feel like it’s only fair that he deals with the parts of me he has created.

But again, that’s because there are parts of me that really just need healing.

I am hoping that this year I can focus more on THAT.

Healing myself for myself because no one needs to deal with my trauma except me.

I challenge all of my beautiful readers to do the same.

Think about one thing that is triggering to you, big or small and think of some ways you can work on healing that. Think of some ways you can put your energy into being a better version of you FOR YOU.

We have all things that bring us down, lets turn it into something that brings us up instead.