Co-dependancy saved my life

Co-dependency is such a toxic problem. I know so many people who struggle with it and they don’t even know it. Relationships in my generation were toxic from the very beginning. I remember being in middle school and having boyfriends who thought they could make rules for my life the second they became my boyfriend. “You can’t talk to him we aren’t friends”, “You can’t be friends with her anyone she’s my ex-girlfriend” It’s crazy to think that these things were so normal when we were kids, and our parents simply didn’t teach us differently because this was “middle school love” “so dramatic, but so cute”. It was just forming unhealthy and toxic habits for us when we got older.

In high school, we would spend every moment we could with our partners. We would miss out on family events to spend time with them, pass on trips with our best friends or only go if our boyfriends could go too. All of these things led to our overwhelming co-dependency issues. Issues a lot of us didn’t realize until we were adults. Issues no one talked to us about before they happened.

So, let’s talk about it.

Truly I was raised by a single mother. I say “truly” because she was never single even though she supported us singly. She had more men in her life than I can even count. When she would decide she didn’t like the guy she was with she would find another one before she even kicked the first one out. She would jump from man to man, saying “I love you” to each one about three days into their relationship, introducing him as our “stepfather” after a month and making sure we knew he was our “stand in dad” for the next few months at least.

Everyone of them were alcoholics, every one of them loved being with my mom because they got to live off of her, suck her dry for everything she had, and not have to pretend to give a shit about her kids. What more could you want out of life right?

The few times I do remember my mom being “single” for a few weeks, she was crying, depressed and acted like life couldn’t go on without another man in our home.

This was the role model I had. This is what relationships looked like to me, this is what I learned was normal- what was “okay”.

By high school, I was the exact same way. Dated numerous people throughout my years in high school. When we broke up, I would go on a path of self-destruction until I was in another relationship and was “happy” again. Relationships for me were exceptionally challenging, how was I supposed to carry out any type of healthy relationship when I was being sexually abused at home? I would get threatened “you better not say a word to your boyfriend (or girlfriend)”, had he known I was dating women, all while wanting to scream it at the top of my lungs hoping my boyfriend or girlfriend would save me.

Then I met Jade. The first soul-tie I have ever had. I’ll cover more about soul-ties in another issue, but what’s most important is that some can be healthy relationships….others not so much. With Jade, everything felt right. She protected me from my home life, she loved me, she took care of me, and she was a soul I knew I had known for a million lifetimes before this one. Or at least that is how my mind perceived what was going on.

Really, she protected me from my life by introducing me to 30-year-old men who’s houses I would crash at to not go home to my abuse stepfather. She loved me by feeding into my co-dependent lifestyle, because she too had abandonment issues and was co-dependent. She took care of me by helping me find ways to feed my drug habit and by teaching me how to hustle in a way that wouldn’t result in me being dead. And most importantly she NEVER LEFT ME ALONE.

At the time, not leaving me alone was what I needed. I needed to be wrapped in her energy, in her presence, in her existence every second of every day. Because without her, even just for the day, I was alone. I was alone in my misery, I was alone in my co-dependency, I was alone in my mind, and being addicted to drugs.. I was not safe.

Jade did for me exactly what I needed her too, with a heart of gold that girl ran beside me away from every bad thing that happened to me, every bad thing that happened to her, and eventually every bad thing that happened to us. She never told me I had to stay in any situation I didn’t want to be in and at the time that encouragement is what I needed.

However, not once was it done in a healthy way. We were both addicts- we didn’t know a healthy way. What we knew was how to survive. And at a time in my life where surviving was the last thing on earth I wanted to do, she kept me here. She kept me here long enough to have the courage to escape that life, she kept me here long enough to find the courage to leave our toxic relationship, she kept me here long enough to get clean and to keep fighting for her. She kept me here long enough to be sitting in front of this computer right now, giving me the ability to help others, giving me the ability to admit my faults in a last attempt to correct them, to learn from them & to help others learn from them as well.

Co dependency is such a toxic thing to live with.

It makes relationships so hard.

It makes having friendships hard.

It makes living life as a successful human that can stand alone hard.

It makes the moments you find yourself in silence hard.

But in some cases, co-dependency and all its toxicity (as controversial as this is) can save your life.