Coparenting as the default parent

Co-parenting is something that is WIDELY talked about in today’s society. Back in the day, families were not separated because divorce was something that was pretty taboo. Now, there are more families that are just cohabitating together, compared to getting married. So, when they separate that causes a two-home situation.

Unfortunately, that situation doesn’t always work out as well as planned. I have been in this situation for the last 12 years.

So, Let’s talk about it.

When I got married at 19, I had the unrealistic expectation that we would be together forever. I’m not saying that “together forever” shouldn’t be your expectation for marriage, but in my case, we were far to young to be getting married. We had so much growing that needed to be done, so much learning, and so many experiences that needed to happen before we got married. But we did it anyways and our marriage ultimately fell apart.

The stress that this caused in both of our lives plus our sons is something that I cannot even put into words. Navigating that stress, the separation and becoming parents on our own rather than a unit was tough. We spent years fighting, years arguing over who gets what when, years fighting over money, years fighting over not getting any help, years fighting over things that I promised myself I would never fight over because of the shit my parents did to me. However, I still found myself doing it.

Thankfully, after years of nonsense. I’ve grown into a place that the things that piss me off about him I am able to just push to the side because I know that nothing is going to change. The things that make me want to scream I try to ignore, because I’ve screamed about them in the past and nothing has changed. And having the ability to do that has given me a sense of peace and stress relief in my own life.

But, what about when either of you end up with a partner. For me, I’ve had a partner most of the years we’ve been separated. So that is something he has had to learn to deal with, however he hadn’t really dated anyone (seriously) since we separated. Until recently.

For me, his dating has brought nothing but good things. My children get to do more things, they adore his partner which makes me comfortable with her being in the kids’ life, and she is more than willing to have a relationship with me, which has helped a lot.

But there are still so many hard things, like knowing that at the end of the day, my child’s father will not have my back in anything. And as the “team” we should be its irritating. Feeling like no matter how much you try to include the partner as the “bonus” mom the role of mother is still yours and being territorial over that. The kids, playing both sides, because let’s face it… that’s what kids do, and trying to navigate how to hold them responsible for that, but also trying to find the deeper meaning behind it.

And honestly the hardest part is being the default parent.

In my situation, I have always been the default parent. The one who needs to call out of work if the kids are sick, the one responsible for baby sitters, the one who need to get the kids from school if they are sick, the one that needs to purchase things last minute, the one that has lost MULTIPLE jobs due to caring for her children, the one who is constantly accommodating the other parent and their work schedules, their needs. And to be honest it’s fucking exhausting.  But what is worse that the constant exhaustion is then putting a smile on your face when you see the bonus parent, or the non-default parent posting this saying “I love MY kids” as if you are not their mother, as if you are not their stability, their structure, their go to, their provider. It is frustrating to let someone claim your children by doing ¼ of what you do as their mother.

I chose to have my children, that’s what people tell me when they see my frustrations in being the default parent and they are right. I did choose to have my children, but I chose to have them with a partner who is equally as responsible for them as I am.

Unfortunately, equal responsibility doesn’t happen very often in co-parenting relationships. I am sure it is possible, I’m sure there are people out there whose children really do get the best in two homes. and I am so fucking happy for those people, for those children, for those co-parenting teams.

But my co-parenting relationship relies on my ability to ignore the things that make me want to fucking scream. And I guess that’s okay too.