Addicts Dating Addicts

Living in a relationship where one person is in active addiction while the other is in active recovery is so hard. People who attend rehab programs are taught that dating in addiction can be very dangerous, and dating people in recovery can also be very dangerous. However, addicts are drawn to those who have experienced addiction because they are the only people who can fully understand what you’ve gone through.

For me, dating someone in active addiction was nothing short of tournament (at the time).

So, let’s talk about it.

When my partner and I started dating I was 21 years old. I had only been in recovery for about 3 years. And he was very much in active addiction. I knew that he was struggling, as much as he didn’t admit it. And because of my co-dependency issues, I just let him speak his truth even though it wasn’t the truth at all. I tend to refer to myself as “the stupid girl” back then. Because as much as I knew what was happening, as much as I knew he was lying to me, it was easier for me to just “believe” him than it was for me to deal with confrontation of him.

A lot of times, when I did confront him, he would threaten to leave me. He did this specifically because he knew what those words did to me internally, he knew I would do whatever it took for him not leave because without him I felt like I could not live, I could not stand on my own two feet, I could not handle being alone. He knew co-dependency was such a strong toxic trait that I had, that in his addiction he used that. Looking back, I know I made it easy for him to do that, I was easily manipulated by the fear of saying “no” and standing up for myself. He made me a prisoner in my own life, I had no car to get anywhere and no job because “he was going to provide for us so I didn’t need to work” I never got to see my friends because that meant I never wanted to see him or spend time with him, I had no privacy because “he had trust issues from his ex” not even my social media was my own. I had no money without HIS money because I wasn’t allowed to make any. These were all tactics he used to disguise what he was doing outside of the house, and at the time I didn’t realize they were also forms of abuse that I was dealing with.

I justified what was going on, in my head, by saying things like, “he always provides for us before anything else”, “he is the best father, he loves us unconditionally”, “he has his own issues but loving him means loving him through his issues.” Although some of things I would tell myself were the truth, like he is an amazing father, it shouldn’t have replaced all of the things that were wrong. And so, I was the stupid girl.

I would drug test him; he would fail, he would make up some unrealistic out of this world reason as to why he failed, I would KNOW it was a crazy made-up lie, but I would say “okay, I believe you”. And so, I was the stupid girl.

I would ask to have the car for doctors’ appointments, and when I would show up to pick him up from work when he was supposed to be getting out, he would be leaving in someone else’s car. I would ask his boss where he was going, and he would have no idea. But when I asked where he was going or why he would say “I’m looking at doing some side work, or I am running and errand for my boss” and I would say “okay, I believe you” and so I was the stupid girl.

It wasn’t until his addiction has spiraled so far out of control that I felt triggered on a daily basis, that I couldn’t take it anymore, I could no longer be the stupid girl, I could no longer stay up for hours wondering where he was just for some elaborate bullshit story when he got home, I could no longer deal with him coming home high and acting like he was “sooo  tired” or had “such a bag headache” I could no longer deal with all of the signs that I had been staring directly in the face, questioning daily, and answering with “okay, I believe you.”

I knew that I was terrified of doing it on my own, being alone. But in reality, I had already been doing it, yes, his body was physically there sometimes, but that’s all I had. An empty shell of a person I really truly loved. And so, I stopped being the stupid girl and I made him leave.

In the first few months he was gone I struggled, I struggled with keeping myself at a distance but always wanting him to be close, I was worried because I knew in my heart where this life was going to take him and although I had known all these years what he was doing, I had convinced myself for so long that he was right I was crazy, it was all in my head, it was just my addiction and demons getting the best of me, playing tricks on my mind. I was terrified I would lose him forever, but at the same time I didn’t want him. Not like he was, not with the addiction too.

At some point I really took a step back and analyzed my own addiction, the lies I told, the things I would do to convince people I wasn’t an addict, the lengths I would go to in order to make it look like I was clean. I remembered what I thought I looked like when I was high compared to what everyone else seen (which is a HUGE difference) and thought about what I would be doing if I was still in active addiction, if I was sitting in his seat.

It was a hard pill to swallow when I realized him and I, were one in the same. The only difference was, I got out and he didn’t. I had to accept that he may never get out, I had to accept that as much as I begged him to choose us over getting high, that wasn’t a choice he could make, it wasn’t a choice of one verses the other, and through my addiction and my recovery I KNEW that, yet I still begging for him to make that choice because of my own emotional issues.

Luckily, he is clean now. He reached the point in his life where he was able to make that choice, a point where recovery was the only option for him, and he lives it every day. I am thankful that I get to have him back. Because with addiction there really is two faces. I am thankful that I was able to stand up for myself and my own recovery, I am thankful that although he was in active addiction, he still tried to shield me from it. I am thankful that although they tell you in rehab to never date an addict, that I made the choice to do it anyways. Because through his addiction it helped me to recover and through my recovery it helped him to overcome addiction and that’s really all that matters.