The truth about my current life

This weekend has been one of the worst to date.

There is nothing that can prepare a mother for the things I had to do this weekend.

There is nothing that can prepare a mother for the guilt I have flowing through my body at this very moment, the anxiety and the absolute sadness.

So, Let’s Talk About it.

I have mentioned before the anxiety that I suffer from on a daily basis. It is something I have struggled with since I was a young child. Mostly because of the trauma I experienced as a child. It is something I have worked through, something I have learned to grow with, something I have continued to learn from since a very young age.

But I was not prepared for my children to experience the same type of anxiety I suffer from every day.

My middle child, however, has been experiencing anxiety beyond that of what most people can comprehend. The kind of anxiety that I have experienced most of my life, the kind that makes you panic for no reason, the kind that comes out of nowhere, with triggers that involve everything, and the inability to calm himself. Anxiety that I can only explain as something you see in movies. And I am helpless in the effort to make him better,

About two months ago, like the flip of a switch my son started experiencing a more generalized anxiety. It started with summer camp, a place he really loved to be and out of nowhere decided he was terrified of going there (I know something happened there). He had mentioned being bullied, which is something he has dealt with his entire life, but from what he explained, the bullying was no different than all the things he’s experienced before but the anxiety of camp quickly escalated into him getting so anxious before camp he was vomiting, then out right refusing to go. I was left with no other option than pulling him out. And then he was fine.

Fast forward a few weeks and now it’s almost time for school to begin. A random dream about his 5th grade teacher not liking him resulted in a 5-day panic attack starting the minute his eyes opened and lasting until the second he fell asleep, with no relief from his crying, hyperventilating, being physically uncomfortable in his body and outright debilitating. The dream had now encompassed his entire life, everyone was going to hate him, he would have no friends, he couldn’t be away from me that long, the new principal wasn’t going to like him, he was going to be yelled at all the time, just one thing after another after another and the second I would calm one problem another one would begin. Panicking myself and almost having to call the ambulance I agreed to pull him out of school and homeschool him with the help of his stepdad for half the week.

Finally, we had a calm kid, a child who was almost back to leveled out. Meeting with his therapist regularly, talking with his behavioral specialist and changing his meds. Finally, we were going to be okay.

But this week he starts his homeschooling journey, and Sundays he needs to go to his stepdads to do his schooling there for half the week, because I still have a full-time job and I am a full-time student myself.

4pm on Sunday his stepdad is on his way to our house, we’ve been preparing Ryder all weekend to be leaving on Sunday, the more we talk about it the more he panics. So, at 4pm I give him his PRN anxiety meds and I tell him his dad will be there in an hour, we go get dinner together, I keep him laughing for the entire hour and then its 5pm. It’s time for him to leave and the panic sets in.

He is screaming, he is terrified to leave me, he is outright refusing to leave me, he is trying to make deals with his anxiety, his body is tense, and his muscles are tired, he is hyperventilating and then shivering because of hyperventilating. This child is in full blow fight or flight mode and there is nothing I can do but give into him again. There is nothing I can do but tell him he can stay with me.

However, giving into his anxiety is not going to help him. It is not going to make it better, and right now it is making his world so very very small.

I try explaining to him that I need to work, that he can’t be with me 24/7, that this is choice that he made and he needs to remember that, that I am safe and I will be safe with him at his dads, that he is coming home and he won’t be there forever, but nothing I do helps and so I did the only thing I could do and I took him to the hospital .

We waited for hours, first in the hallway with him intermittently panicking, and then in a meeting room with office chairs and TV and by the time we finally seen a doctor, still not having a bed or a room the MD said, I am sorry there is nothing I can do for you. I will have to call our clinicians. So, after 40 more minutes waiting, we are told sorry there are no clinicians who can see you, you’ll have to sit here all night (with no bed or room) until one can make their way here or come back tomorrow.

So, after some convincing and literally running to my car I got Ryder in his stepdad’s car and was on my way.

Here is where this whole situation gets worse.

1.)    I feel like the world’s worst parent! How did his anxiety get so bad over night? How did I allow this to happen to him? If all of my anxiety is caused by childhood trauma, then what could I have done to cause this because surely it had to be my fault right? Like what is he experiencing that is making his life so hard to manage?

2.)    I am relieved that he isn’t home. I am grateful to have sent him to his stepdad’s house. I shouldn’t be relieved that I finally got him out of the house, but I am because I am suffocating, I am suffocating because I can’t even pee without him sitting outside the bathroom door. I can’t go to work without 25 calls and text messages asking if I’m alive and telling me he loves and misses me. I literally cannot breathe without my Ryder right there. Right there in my face touching me. I am over stimulated and now I am anxious.

3.)    I want to send him to get tested, I have never agreed with putting children in a facility. I have NEVER been okay with even 5 days of testing in a facility away from your parents. I have NEVER thought this was the way. The only way. But I grew up with my little brother who had severe behavioral problems, I lived a life where his issues made my life hard, I lived a life where all the attention needed to be on him 24/7 and although I was the only other child in the home and although I was his primary caregiver most of the time, I felt the tension that caused on our entire house, sometimes I resented him for the things he couldn’t control. And now my oldest son is feeling that way, and my daughter is at an age where she is learning from his behavior. I need to get him help, more help than what he’s getting because clearly its not working, clearly this Is not enough.

4.)    The thought of him coming home tomorrow is giving me anxiety. The thought of him coming home and me having to do this to him again and again every weekend is terrifying. I can’t keep putting him through this, he can’t keep feeling like this, and honestly, I cannot keep doing this. Mentally and emotionally, I am exhausted, and I have no idea where to go next.

This is the raw reality of my life right now.

The things I promised I would share with all of you. The things that are hard to talk about. The things that show my life aren’t all rainbows and butterflies, the things that show that although I am learning, and healing, and growing that I don’t have it all figured out. That I haven’t healed from it all.

The truth is right now, I feel like I haven’t healed from anything.

The truth is right now, I am blaming myself for a chemical imbalance in my son’s brain.

The truth is I am questioning every decision I have ever made; I am questioning every experience I have ever had and everything we have done in the last 11 years and wondering what it was that caused my son so much trauma that this is the result.

The truth is that I have no idea what I am doing.

The truth is I feel lost and there is no one I can turn to for help, no parenting manual to help me get through this.

The truth is that I am overwhelmed and triggered in my own body.

The truth is… that this is the truth.

And it sucks.